Femme Invisibility

Femme Invisibility. The term has been tossed around a great deal in the last decade, but it has been suffered by Femmes for as long as Femmes have existed.

Let me begin by defining Femme Invisibility as I a Butch woman understand it to be. Femme Invisibility is invisibility tripled. Femme’s experience invisibility first through the assumptions from the hetero world that because their visual brand of femininity (Femme Femininity) falls within the range of general hetero-femininity they must also be hetero, second because Femme Femininity falls within the range of the lipstick lesbian, Femme’s are assumed by lipstick lesbians to be lipstick lezbo dating material, and last because Femme Femininity falls within the range of both hetero femininity and lipstick lezbo femininity they are often invisible to the Butches they so desire.

“Passing” is one of the biggest complaints/problems Femme’s have with Femme Invisibility. Because when Femmes pass as straight woman, their lesbianism is invisible which leaves them open for male attentions they do not desire. Couple this with Butch invisibility then even when Femme’s out themselves as lesbians because hetero female on hetero female is the mainstay of hetero male porn, men’s first sick thoughts when a Femme declares she is a lesbian, is envisioning her with another Femme or lipstick lesbian and them watching. And because hetero female on hetero female is a male porn mainstay with females performing sex for men whether or not the man joins the women (and he usually does) there is an assumption that Femme lesbians are not legitimately lesbian because all the “lesbians” in male porn/fantasy are really looking for some man dick. This is why often the lesbianism within Femme/Butch couplings is suspect by heteros. It is often believed the Femme in the relationship is really straight and really wants to be with a guy because all “lesbians” in porn want/fuck men, which many hetero take as proof of the illegitimacy of Femme lesbianism because why would a Femme lesbian after all date someone who “looks like a guy” if she didnt really want to be with a guy? This barely touches upon the mind/efield Femme Invisibility endangers Femme’s to, but I think it gives one a minor idea of the kinds bullshit Femme’s deal with daily.

The Femme Invisibility Femmes face within the larger lesbian community present its own set of problems. The larger lesbian community makes plenty of their own assumptions about Femmes, like say if at a lesbian bar many lesbians assume Femmes to be interested in other Femme/inine lesbians. Often when non Femme lesbians find out Femmes are interested in Butch partners, non Femme lesbians may and do turn on Femme lesbians, viewing them as traitors of sorts, similar to how most lesbians view/treat “bisexual” women(and rightly so in those cases). I remember an ex telling me upon her moving to a new town, she began going to the local lesbian bar and was soon befriended by a lipstick lesbian type. My ex started hanging around with this lesbian knowing she said, straight off this woman was attracted to other lipstick lesbians. She enjoyed this woman’s company and they had a few things in common so who thisr friend was attracted to had nothing to do with their friendship. Some weeks into their friendship they both hit the local lezzie bar. After an hour or so there was a Butch who came in that my ex found attractive (she dated only very butch Butches). My ex said something to her friend about how hot she thought this Butch was, where upon my ex’s friend showed immediate disgust and said “thats what you’re into”? Needless to say this woman never contacted my ex again. I have heard over the years plenty of similar stories by Femme friends. Because of the type of woman (Butch) a Femme dates, her lesbianism is automatically suspect. This is why Femme Visibility and Butch Visibility are so dependent upon one another. Were Butches actually viewed and understood by the larger lesbian community as the women we are, Femme’s would be understood as the lesbians they are.

Invisible to the general public, invisible, distrusted and disdained for who they love by lesbians, then to top it all off invisible quite often to the Butches they wish to attract, isnt Femme Invisibility grand! I have often laughed with Femme partners and Femme friends at the interesting twist dating usually takes with Femmes and Butches. Funny because there has and remains the ignorant notions that Femme/Butch is nothing more than male/female mimicry and Femme/Butch dating techniques are yet another thing that illustrates how nonsensical those notions are. Partly because most Butch women never get the chance to develop asking a girl out in school and partly because if we see a woman we find we might like we dont dare say anything to her because we’re usually not sure she’s Femme. This includes even in lesbian spaces, because she could just as easily be another lipstick dyke rather than a Femme. So what usually happens is in many instances if we were to compare Femme/Butch to male/female it is the Butches taking on the straight girl role, not the Femme like most might think. Butches are notorious for letting Femmes make the first move. What happens when we see a woman we like, do we go up and talk to her? No. We snag glance, we make ourselves available even if with a Femme friend by not doing anything that might make us look like we’re a couple, we laugh at everything as cool as we can, if at a bar setting we might find a reason to walk past her as cool and as butch as we possibly can, then like so many straight women before us, we sit back and wait and hope this Femme makes a moves. I dont believe I’m exaggerating when I say I bet 9 out of 10 Femme/Butch relationships began with the Femme making first contact with the Butch!

So growing up a feminine female, Femmes like all women grew up being conditioned to think when it came time for them to date all they would have to do is say yes or no. But because of Femme Invisibility and Butch fears, Femmes have had to completely rewrite for themselves a different dating manual, no easy feat I would wager! Just as there are things only a Femme knows about a Butch, this is something only Butches really see, get and appreciate about Femmes. This strength that creates a uniqueness in Femmes that most women do not posses, and which is hidden/unknown to all except us Butches. And make no bones about it, it is a strength, a strength of femmeness we Butches do not posses, that allows a Femme to dare against all she was raised and conditioned with to ask another woman, a Butch woman, out. Without that unique Femme strength we Butches would be some very lonely souls.

While that covers the three prime factors I brought up regarding the whys of Femme Invisibility I want to talk a bit about my experiences and observations about visibilizing Femmes. Post modernism’s bastard child “queer theory” has not simply harmed Butch women, it has also created further troubles for Femmes. Queer Theory’s you are whatever you say you are mantra has created a open field where if a straight male shoots up some dope and has enough money to cosmetically pretzelfy his cock/nutsack into a monstrosity, pays a price to the the state to legally change his M to an F on his ID he can then (he’s been lead to believe) rightfully call HIMself a “femme”! Now in and of itself, we might say “so what”, the bum on the corner of 5th and main calls himself  “jesus”, should the Christians be worried? Probably not. But because of the patriarchal systems we all unavoidably dwell, these Mtf men have entered lesbians spaces and because women through those patriarchal systems have had drummed into their/our heads since we left the safety of our mother’s womb men are the authorities of everything. So what has happened is lesbians began and continue deferring to Mtf men in their midst’s. (on a side note I find this interesting because despite how intelligent some of these Mtf men are they cannot see past their disorder to see that when lesbians do this, lesbians are not embracing them as “women/lesbians” but reinforcing that they are in fact MEN)

How does any of this hurt Femme lesbians dealing with invisibility issues? If you have ever met any man, the first most noticeable thing about him is EVERYTHING is about HIM. He may be the nicest guy in the world, but his male privilege insures that everything is about him, if not, anger/tantrum no matter the age. This is the background and nature Mtf men bring to the lesbian community. So that when they say “I have a problem with this”, actual lesbians issues become secondary or non existent. While I do not believe this is a HUGE issue to Femme Visibility yet, I do bring it up because if you are a regular reader you know just last week I was banned from a Femme Invisibility group for trying to keep the topic about Femmes, rather than the issues of the Mtf men in the group. And it was “femmes” who banned me, not the men btw. If Femmes are not the forefront of Femme Invisibility, there will NEVER be a chance for Femme Visibility.

I have been over the years attacked by so called “femmes” for even trying to discuss Femme Invisibility because I’m a Butch. I have tried time and again to bring about discussions/think tanks on what Femmes can do to visibilize themselves and each and every time attacked/banned, by so called “femmes”. In Femme/Butch spaces everywhere there seems to be this fear of REALLY talking about Femme Invisibility. Why? In these same spaces “femmes” talk regularly about how difficult invisibility is, yet try talking about it or discuss ways to potentially change it and you’ll get your head bitten off. I find these women to be pickled in queer theory nonsense, who will do anything in their power to keep their world flat, even if that flatness is killing them and other Femmes. Its sad and sickening to me. It reminds me of women 60 years ago who refused to fight for feminism because while they would like to get a job and have equal rights, their b/fs might stop opening their doors or buying them candy and flowers on Saturday nights!

Personally I am as interested and as invested in Femme Visibility as I am Butch Visibility, as I said earlier they’re both dependent upon one another. I am also interested and invested because I care about Femmes and their deserved happiness’s and life simplicities. One shouldnt have to struggle so hard for something as simple as being seen. I fully understand what needs to take place for Butch Visibility, though that is no small task it is at least definable. The answers for Femme Visibility are more difficult to nail down, made worse as I said before because so often one gets cut off at the knees for trying. Obviously regularly coming out (in safe places) is a given. I have been fortunate in that past Femme partners ALWAYS proudly outed themselves whenever and where ever they could.

I think for both the good of both Femmes and Butch women within lesbian spaces Femmes need to be more vocal about their lesbian desires. I think this would help non Femme/Butch lesbians to see Femme lesbians are just as lesbian because they too want a woman’s body sexually-only difference being that woman’s body is in a Butch package with Butch energy behind it. I think Femme sexuality has taken a back seat in a similar way straight women’s sexuality gets diminished because its all about the “menz” and “the cock”. Check out any B-F forum and under sexuality most of it reads pretty hetero based/Butch based. There is a great shame in Butch sexuality and Femme’s will mask their own desires publicly by downplaying or not mentioning that their desire goes past being fucked by a Butch or giving Butch “blow jobs”. And thats not to take away any pleasure both Femmes and Butches gain from those experiences, but we all know behind close doors there’s a little more to Femme sexuality than that. Besides Femme Femininity it is lesbianism that is the prime factor in Femme. This is something that Femmes need to reclaim and reassert if they are ever to be truly visible, and we Butches need let them as well as encourage them, for them, but for us also. To take away the shame once and for all rather than letting our Femmes mask it for us, which in the end only hurts us both. In soooo many Femme/Butch spaces both RT and online it has almost become shameful for a Femme to admit she enjoys a Butch’s breast/pussy. And if she does admit it all too often she must slip into some insane orwellian doublespeak of “chest” for breast and “cock” for clit. I say shame on any Butch who has EVER put her Femme in that position out of their own shame and sexual insecurities. (sidenote-I’m not talking about playing around in bed-I’m talking legitimate sexual discussions)

I realize I have given only a few examples in the way in which we can begin fighting Femme Invisibility, but I want any Femme (or Butch for that matter) to know if you would like to seriously start brainstorming on this issue, this blog is a safe space and you can if afraid comment anonymously. Also my email is always open.

That being said, clearly there is a multitude of Femme Invisibility factors Femmes face every day, each an arrow cutting through the heart of every Femme. If there is a Butch woman reading this and your Femme is anywhere near you, pull your Femme to you and hug her with the biggest sweetest kindest hug you could ever muster. She deserves.

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One of two emails I recently received. I’ll deal with this one first.

THIS is what is being discussed at a National Women’s Study Conf.??? While I deal with Butch invisibility every day I walk out my door, while I deal with regular negative experiences when using a public restroom, even I read this shit and go WTF??? Hello! Its 2010 and women in the US STILL do NOT have an ERA, over a million women a year report being raped, women make only 76 cents to a man’s dollar, less if you’re a poor minority woman, domestic abuse of women is immeasurable, 1 in 3 collage age women will be raped, 1 in 4 women sexually abused in her life, women are sexually objectified in all media forms, women are conditioned to adhere to those patriarchal media forms to perform for the male gaze if they are to have any worth, through trying to adhere to media forms women are developing multitudes of disorders related to body dysphoria when they cannot measure up to plastic female images created solely for the pleasure of mens penis’s.

I could go on all night as any woman knows, but apparently the real issues affecting the majority of women, have no bearing when men posing as women are running the show. Like your average run of the mill man in the street, THEIR problems MUST come first! MAN MAN MAN = ME ME ME And from the looks of things women are letting them by even entertaining their special agenda’s as a WOMENS event! This is yet another tactic for men to gain legal entrance into women’s most private spaces.This also hurts actual women like Butches who due to invisibility issues have to deal with crap when using those same womens spaces despite actually being women. But for all the crap, as a woman I understand why women freak when seeing a woman like me in the bathroom. Not being exposed to Butches in general most women do not look too close, so quickly make a leap to male, and their very next thought is rape. I as a Butch understand this, and deal with it for the sake of women, for my love and care for women. Like every female alive, women KNOW from a few years of age they are susceptible to rape. It is something on some level with all women all the time in all places. I wont get into what this says about men and the patriarchal systems currently in place.

Men posing as women? Rape is the last thing on their minds, because they grew up being potential raper’s rather than potential rape victims. This doesnt change because their penis and nutsack has been stitched inside their body cavity. So when issues like womens private spaces comes up, Mtf men have no idea what womens fears really are about, and through their male privilege could give a shit about. You dont see any topics regarding how to deal with womens rape fears when seeing a non traditional appearing female in the rest room on that list did ya? Neither did I!

If Mtf’s truly believe they’re are women, they would use their first hand knowledge of men to fight for changes in how women are treated by men so when a 6’4″ Mtf in a cheap skirt and heelz enters the ladies we wouldnt worry about being raped!

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Femmes are Important too

A beautiful comment made to an older post of mine from a Femme last night. I often write of the value of Femmes, my value of Femmes but I sometimes forget their need to be validated, validated as subject instead of hetero object, their need to be validated as legitimate lesbians, their need for lesbian visibility, their need to have the fucking shame wiped from their bodies and minds, their need for Butch kindness and Butch love.

I will make more of an effort to write about Femme issues, because as a Butch we are in this together,  because without each other, neither of us really exist. Your eye, my eye equals us.

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Lookie Dirt has admirer

From a man who recently tried to “friend” me at FB.

A picture perfect example of your run of the mill Mtf. Straight, white, married, middle aged and completely ignorant regarding women and lesbians. What ignorant assumptions!

These Mtf’s make up the majority of men who seek trannification. While it is impossible due to the pathological lying of all “trans” people, based on many many years of occupying “trans” spaces of all kinds I wager they number somewhere in the high 90 percentile with gay men comprising the other few percent.

These are the men who think because they rub their cocks while wearing clothes patriarchy deems female, they can simply default to a “lesbian” status after they have taken their fetish as far as they can through trannification. These are also the men who are legally fighting to have the legal right (regardless of what stage of trannification-not that it matters really) to enter freely into womens bathrooms, womens locker rooms, showers, dressing areas etc.

These are not the tiny percent of queenish gay men who through pathological homophobia convinced themselves they are “women trapped in mens bodies” in order to escape their internalized homophobia. These men never felt and never feel “trapped in the wrong body”. These men (men btw running the “trans machine”) developed a fetish through the familial while pre-teen usually, then combined with misogyny/male privilege later convince themselves they are “true transsexuals”(as if there were such a thing). The pathology behind these men is not in BEING women, but in OWNING women. They seek through self creation to create a “female” image they can control and sexually ab/use whenever they feel the need. And as in the example here, note the “female” image is the image patriarchy deems “female/feminine”. An image for the male gaze strictly for masturbatory purposes, these men are both at once gazed and gazer.

Interestingly between having their cocks mutilated into a monstrosity that no/longer properly functions and years of being on faux cancer causing female hormones, many will begin taking synthetic male hormones because they cannot get aroused in order to enjoy the rape fantasies of the “female” self they went all out to create! But even that in no way measures up to the fantasy, because of the extreme pain involved in penetrating the body cavity their testes descended from. This penetration is on going, like the faux cancer causing female hormones for the rest of their lives or else their cavity will close up like the wound their male body understands it to be, this is call “dilation“. (a graphic pic of a mutilated penis/scrotum that doesnt even resemble an actually pussy-dont get me started on the weird/scary pubes in that pic or the hole being in the wrong spot!)

The short of it, (pun intended) is straight white middle/upper middle class married men are the majority of (trans)men seeking legal recourse (right now) to get into women’s (girls) most intimate private places by defaulting to a “female” status. An illegitimate status PAID for with MONEY, NOT in actually BEING women. In typical male fashion these men believe “woman” is something for sale, something a man can purchase, something a man can own, in effect a “whore”. These men believe there is nothing more to “woman” than a cosmetic hole and a good pair of heelz.

Janet Frame ends her short story Snowman Snowman with these observations made by the snowman about man based on himself: “man is indeed simplicity, coal, brass, cloth, wood-I never dreamed”…

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